Photo by Sylvie Rosokoff
KATE POWELL, BROOKLYN, NY
Standing in my living room still dripping wet from the shower with a towel wrapped around me and twisting my hair around my fingers, I burst into ugly sobs. My husband looked on with a mixture of confusion and paralysis, before he took on a look of wanting to back-away-slowly when one witnesses a true bout of hysteria. I hated him for not immediately falling to his knees and begging for my forgiveness. After all, he had perpetrated the most unthinkable horror: forgetting to buy my half-and-half.
After a deliriously happy four months at home with our son, feeling little physical pain and dealing surprisingly well with sleep deprivation, it was as if someone had yanked the happy cord out of the wall and didn't bother to warn me. In my powered-down state, my emotions teetered on the precipice at all times, the smallest things plunging me headlong into a black hole at the bottom of my gut. I was officially not OK.
Despite my son arriving 3 1/2 weeks early and my dream of a medication-free birth going COMPLETELY out the window due to him flipping into a breech position, my recovery from the C-section was relatively easy, and breastfeeding was a snap from the start. The baby gained weight like a champ, he was in great health, and my husband and I tucked him into the carrier and took him to bars, restaurants, museums, and on the subway like the little New Yorker we wanted him to become. Not to say there weren't moments of exhaustion and anxiety, but generally I felt like I was nailing the whole motherhood thing. I breathed a huge sigh of relief that I hadn't been touched by postpartum depression or anxiety.
That was until our son turned about 4 1/2 months old. It was as if someone had been micro-dosing me MDMA for four plus months and then cut me off cold turkey. The cloud-nine, love-fueled endless energy I had been experiencing since his birth did a complete nosedive. And then my hair started to fall out. The bathroom floor became a graveyard of lost strands, the casualties of some hormonal battle happening inside of me. But more worrisome was that my once abundant supply of milk stopped being abundant. I pumped on a regular schedule at work, but couldn't keep up with the ounces my son was craving at home. The pride I had felt in our freezer full of milk turned into anxiety and disappointment as we burned through the stash. And then my baby went from waking up once in the night to waking up every 2-3 hours like he was a newborn. I was exhausted - a walking zombie. I cried at the drop of a hat and was angry with my husband for every little thing. I was a mess.
The thing about being a mess is that it's hard to see through the clutter of all of those convaluted feelings. I sat inside them and couldn’t see out and stayed there for what seemed like a long time. I tried to tell people what was happening. I tried to express myself to my husband and friends, but it never felt like anyone was actually hearing me, or understanding my desperation. There was a lot of “it's just your hormones,” and “this will pass.”
After a few weeks of hopelessness, three things turned it around for me: First, I called my mom. That's what she's there for. I'm incredibly lucky that my mom lives close by and can physically, and emotionally, be there for me. So call your mom, or your mom bestie, or your aunt or your neighbor, or your super's wife who fawns over the baby whenever you see her. Ask them to watch the baby so you can take a nap. Hang out at their house and let someone else cook for you. Don't be shy, what you see as a burden is usually seen as the honor of being relied upon by those you ask for help.
Secondly, I confided in a wonderful friend who has a daughter about 6 months older than my son. I told her all the things that I mentioned above and instead of telling me it would pass she gave me a list of about ten vitamins and supplements that she started taking after having similar issues around the time her child was 4 months old. What I learned the hard way, is that after the 4th trimester, when your body is in heightened mode to make sure the baby thrives, your vitamin and hormone levels can drop and sap all of your energy. Nutritionists, naturopaths, and progressive MDs can help identify gaps in your nutrition, and help build them back up again. And even if you don't have the resources to tackle this with a specialist, continuing to take your prenatal vitamins and an iron supplement can work wonders - I had been lazy about keeping up with my vitamins while I was feeling high, and resuming them in this period of extreme low really helped.
Lastly (and perhaps the most controversial), we did cold-turkey sleep training. This was after a couple weeks of spending all day wishing my son would take a nap so I could nap, and once he was awake, counting the minutes until I could put him down again. There were endless days of feeling impatient, frustrated and exhausted with him for every whine and whimper. Days where I couldn't wait for bedtime, and I realized that the expression "what's good for the mother is good for the child” holds true. We went through about three nights of excruciating training where my brain screamed at me all night that I was horrible mother for not picking up my crying child, but then we had a baby who slept through the night, and we had parents who woke up rested and didn't resent their baby's whining or wish away the days with him, or not take him out for walks because of sheer exhaustion. After a warm bath, a coconut oil massage, and a big bottle of pumped milk, our son goes to sleep around seven pm and gets up at six am. I know it's not for everyone, but it worked for us and has vastly improved my outlook and the quality of time with my son.
Now, at six months postpartum, I have started to feel like myself again. There are still days that I'm just absolutely wiped and days where anxiety and doubt creep in, but overall my outlook is positive and my time with my family is filled with love. Don't be afraid to acknowledge when you aren't feeling yourself, and don't feel bad about spending the time to try and fix it. You don't have to be a mom-martyr. Taking care of yourself only helps your baby and your family. And, call your mom.
KATE’S RECIPE FOR OVERNIGHT OATS
Around the fourth month of postpartum, I started to panic that my otherwise VERY leaky boobs were drying up. I was told by another mom friend to eat Overnight Oats. I have no idea if they were helpful in increasing my supply, but I realized that this recipe was the perfect new mom breakfast. Previously, mornings always turned into afternoons before I found the time to eat a proper meal, leaving me hangry and light-headed. Making these oats the night before meant that breakfast was already waiting for me when I got up with Conway for the day. This recipe is a version of the one they serve at The Wing in Brooklyn, but I modified it for single-serving use, although it can also be for two servings depending on how hungry you are. Toppings are optional but definitely liven up what otherwise is basically cold oatmeal.
INGREDIENTS:
1 cup old fashioned oats
1 1/2 cups nut or coconut milk
1 Tbsp. chia seeds
1 Tbsp. maple syrup
1 tsp. kosher salt
1/2 cup Greek yogurt (optional for extra thickness)
Recommended toppings:
1 scoop of cold coconut oil
1 scoop Fruit preserves, or other sweet topping (Pictured here: Homemade 6 Ingredient Spiced Pumpkin Butter from Half Baked Harvest).
Berries
Granola
DIRECTIONS:
Mix everything together at night before bedtime and store, covered, in the fridge overnight. In the morning, add chosen toppings.
Kate Powell is a wardrobe stylist and costume designer in New York City. She was a stylist on What Not to Wear for many years and has translated that experience into working with everyday people to help them find clothing that makes them feel great and understood. After becoming a mother, she shifted her styling focus to concentrate on helping moms through periods of transition surrounding work, changing bodies, and general lack of time for self-care. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband, Patrick, and son, Conway (6 months). You can follow her on Instagram @KatePowellStyling.
Posted October, 27, 2018