KELLY QUINTIA KEYES, Santa fe, nm

I still have my birth plan saved under my "notes" section of my iPhone. I have read it several times since I gave birth to my daughter, Zevi, on January 25th, 2018. She is now nearly 19 months old and I have never on a more visceral level felt the truth of the phrase, "time flies".

I remember having angst about whether or not Zevi would latch and nurse "well" even before she was born. I have flat(ter) nipples than most, but was continually reassured that she'd be a fine nurser and we would find our way.

I had a beautiful birth and feel grateful to be able to say and mean that. I felt that I got to experience the gamut of a long labor without any drugs, and towards the end of a 24 hour labor, finally opted for a conservative epidural that honestly, was a God send! I remember telling my midwife that it was now "like a party!" and I was ready to rock and bring this baby to the outside! Forty-five minutes of pushing and seeing my baby's reflection in a mirror, I watched in awe and glory and pure joy as she made her way into our world. I was in love at first sight.

As soon as Zevi came out, she had trouble latching, and it continued to be a struggle for weeks and weeks after these initial first moments. In short, I was absolutely devastated. I had foreseen nursing my baby until she was 2 years old and I hadn't even thought of not doing it this way. And herein lies the #1 lesson I feel I was forced to learn and integrate so early on: I have to let this go. I fought it. Hard. So many tears. Even anger at my baby that she just "wouldn't do it". And then I felt so guilty. My baby is brand new here in her new life and I was getting angry that she couldn't nurse properly. It was a constant issue of anxiety and challenge for me that truly riddled my first few months postpartum. I had massive anxiety over supplementing; I did NOT want any parent in Santa Fe to--God forbid--see me shaking a bottle of FORMULA for my baby. To shorten a lengthy story, I came around to me and my daughter's nursing narrative: it just wasn't meant to be. After seeing 5 specialists to no avail, Zevi's weight dropping and dropping, I finally decided that I needed to save my sanity and let go of my perfect image of nursing my child in a long dress outside, under a willow tree and give her a bottle of damn formula. And I did. And she LOVED it. And she ate. And she had so much fun! And: I pumped. I pumped A LOT! But after 5 months of pumping around the clock, I was faced with a new decision: do I keep pumping for another 7 months to "make it" to a year, or do I let this go, get some sleep, and let her take her formula? I fought this one, too. But in the end, after 5 months, I put the pump away and settled on formula all the way. I started to release and let go. I still have a bit of residual sadness that I wasn't able to truly nurse my baby the way I had imagined, but there were plus sides, too. Zevi LOVED her bottle and her daddy could help out at her feedings, and even her big sister once in a while.

Letting go is the hardest part of being a parent and we are offered countless and countless opportunities to become masters at it! My husband once told me that the hardest part of being a parent is how much you love your children; I could not agree more. We want the best for our babies and children, and sometimes what we envision as the "best" isn't what our baby has in mind. Zevi had NO issue, whatsoever, not nursing. We are so bonded it hurts and I look back and think about all that wasted energy over whether we were going to be as bonded as the mothers who would nurse their littles until they were 2 or 3. Love is immeasurable, and there is no better suited love for a baby than the love from their parents, no matter the form.

Written in August 2019

KELLY’S OFTEN-TURNED TO RECIPES OF HEIDI SWANSON’S BAKED OATMEAL WITH BERRIES AND TOASTED WALNUTS

Recipe from Swanson’s “super natural every day” cookbook.

INGREDIENTS:

2 cups rolled oats

1/2 cup walnut pieces, toasted and chopped (Toast in pan on stove top on low to medium heat. Remove once fragrant and lightly toasted, 4-6 minutes).

1/3 cup natural cane sugar or maple syrup, plus more for serving

1 teaspoon aluminum-free baking powder

1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

Scant 1/2 teaspoon fine-grain sea salt

2 cups milk

1 large egg

3 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and cooled slightly

2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

2 ripe bananas, cut into pieces

1 1/2 cups huckleberries, blackberries or mixed berries

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees with a rack on the top 1/3 of oven.

Generously butter the inside of an 8-inch square baking dish.

In a bowl, mix together the oats, half the walnuts, the sugar if using, the baking powder, cinnamon and salt.

In another bowl, whisk together the maple syrup, if using, the milk, egg, half of the butter, and the vanilla.

Arrange the bananas in a single layer on the bottom of the prepared baking dish. Sprinkle two-thirds of the berries over the top. Cover the fruit with the oat mixture. Slowly drizzle the milk mixture over the oats. Gently give the baking dish a couple thwacks on the countertop to make sure the milk mixture moves through the oats. Scatter the remaining walnuts across the top.

Bake for 35 to 45 minutes, until the top is nicely golden and the oat mixture has set. Remove from the oven and let cool for a few minutes. Drizzle the remaining melted butter on the top and serve. Sprinkle with a bit more sugar or drizzle with maple syrup if you want it a bit sweeter.

Kelly lives in Santa Fe with her husband and daughter, Zevi and 2 stepchildren Olive (11) and Cash (9). Kelly loves to photograph women, nature and women in nature. In another life before New Mexico, Kelly surfed avidly and now swims to supplement her love of water. She cooks and loves it. It’s part of her daily meditation. Kelly camps, hikes, skis and and has a practice of Marriage and Family Therapy. She is usually found amongst other women forging community or outdoors chasing bubbles with her daughter, and trying to remember daily that time really does fly.

Posted March 25, 2021